He was such a man. He was so rough around the edges and I felt so feminine. His hands were always dirty and beat up. They would wrap around my soft, tiny hands like I was his child. I loved to take my small soft hands and caress his calloused hands because it reminded me of how different we are. He was such a bad boy but he wasn’t that way with me. He wouldn’t get upset with me but anyone had better be sure not to mess with me. I was for sure happy that I would never be his enemy.
I was blissfully happy with him. No matter what we were doing or where we were. We had fun, we laughed and talked and talked. I felt adored and protected. He came to visit me in the mental hospital and we played connect four and battleship in front of the other patients. They were in awe watching someone with his charisma in a place like that. He was special. He was passionate and exciting. But he wasn’t smart, not at all. But I knew I could be smart enough for both of us. He has his own qualities that I didn’t possess. We could be a great team I thought.
I wanted him every second of every day. If he was with me or not. He was gorgeous and I wanted to eat him up. I would watch his defined muscles while we were having sex and watching him orgasm was such a rush. Between my legs he would look up and say, oh my GOD, your pussy tastes so good I could eat it forever.
His trade was construction. He was perpetually unemployed because of his addiction to Adderall. Prior to Adderall it was coke. He never finished high school and never had any ambition to be good at any type of job or career. I found out that he works for a year, gets laid off for drugs and lives off unemployment until it runs out then starts over again. He has a burning and intense passion but it’s utilized in destructive ways.
I waited for him because “I want to be a better man for you.” I believed it and still do. But regardless of what he wants, he has to be ready to change to get there. He wants to be a better man but he wants his drugs and wallow in his self-pity more. The whole thing was this very quick, 2 month dream that turned into a nightmare.
Finally I said goodbye. I was falling in love with him. The first time in my life at 34. My mind is swirling and my stomach is turning.